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The Quiet Grief of Waking Up at Fifty
Realizing how much life was spent surviving. No one tells you that healing comes with grief. They talk about hope. Freedom. Growth. They talk about becoming stronger. They don’t talk much about mourning. Not the obvious kind. The quieter kind. The grief that arrives when you finally realize how much of your life you weren’t actually living. A few years ago, therapy gave me words for something I had never been able to explain. I had spent more than forty-five years living in survival mode. It had started when I was about four years old. Every trauma after that pushed me a little farther into it. Survival slowly became the…
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Why Curiosity Is Becoming My New Religion
A couple of years ago, if you had asked me what I believed about healing, I could have given you an answer. Actually, I could have given you several. I had spent years reading the books. Taking the courses. Collecting certifications. Learning the language. Like so many women searching for healing, I wanted to believe there was a path. If I learned enough, practiced enough, understood enough, eventually I would arrive somewhere called “healed.” I wasn’t trying to fool anyone. I genuinely believed I had found something worth sharing. But underneath all of that certainty was a woman who was barely holding herself together. I just didn’t know it yet.…
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The Apple Fritter Worth Driving Two Hours For
A few years ago, I don’t think I would have driven two hours for a cinnamon bun. Not because I didn’t enjoy cinnamon buns. Because I couldn’t have justified it. There was always something more practical to do. Laundry. Groceries. Work. Emails. A house to take care of. Someone who needed something. A day spent driving for the simple pleasure of trying a bakery felt… unnecessary. Maybe even a little irresponsible. At the time, I thought that was just who I was. Practical. Responsible. Efficient. I didn’t realize I had spent most of my life measuring every decision by its usefulness. That realization didn’t come until much later. It came…
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I Didn’t Need Another Morning Routine. I Needed to Feel Safe.
There was a season of my life when I believed the answer was one more practice. One more morning routine. One more certification. One more course. One more way to become the kind of person who finally felt okay. It sounds obvious now, but at the time it never occurred to me that I wasn’t searching for a better routine. I was searching for safety. In 2019, after years of being harassed at work, my nervous system finally gave out. For five years I had managed to keep showing up. I did what I had always done. I worked harder. I stayed capable. I stayed productive. From the outside, I…
